The Parish Council Minutes #9

  • More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘I’ve heard this stuff might be made up.’ MADE UP QUOTE

THE ACTING CHAIR convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, confirmed there weren’t many Councillors left because several had been suspended, or arrested, or had murdered some people, or all three. Councillor Boothby, Acting Chair, said she hoped that those who remained could at least organise the Christmas lights display in the town square without this also becoming a total fiasco.

Item 2

Councillor Watterson reminded everyone that Christmas was a season of peace and goodwill to all men, and more recently women and children. In this vein it was important to extend a cheerful message to the people of Shufflehampton, even though the Council clearly disliked each other in private with some relationships having descended into bitter, pathological hatred. Councillor Lathers seconded this, saying she absolutely loved Christmas but detested Councillor Watterson, wanting nothing more than to yank his boxer shorts vigorously in an upwards direction so that his eyes would water for 4-6 weeks.

Artwork (c) Cllr T. Watterson

Councillor Gooding said this brought back bad memories of bullies giving him wedgies at school. Councillor Martin said she’d had a lovely plateful of spicy potato wedgies at the Cow and Banjo last week.

Councillor Gooding said that whatever happened, the Council shouldn’t ask Mark the Sparky to wire up the Christmas lights again after last year’s debacle. Mark had set up everything so dangerously that when celebrity guest Eric somebody from the Bay City Rollers had switched on the lights he’d been thrown backwards into the air and propelled over the road, smashing through the upstairs window of the barber’s shop into Malcolm the barber’s boudoir while Malcolm and Gladys were midway through some sneaky slap and tickle.

Councillor Martin said she hoped that Malcolm’s wife hadn’t been too upset. Councillor Gooding said she’d been very upset when she’d found Malcolm in the bedroom with Gladys.

Councillor Watterson said he wasn’t familiar with the phrase ‘slap and tickle.’ Councillor Lathers said this was when mummy and daddy were tickling each other very much.

Councillor Boothby said Mark the Sparky was still on the sick after being injured trying to fix the wiring. He’d somehow managed to pass electricity through himself, instantly burning off his unfeasibly shaggy bodily hair and permanently magnetising the larger of his trouser clackers. Even now, this caused his right leg to violently and uncontrollably spasm, like last week when he’d kicked the postman’s bike into the path of that bus, causing it to swerve uncontrollably into the local parliamentary candidate for the Brexit Party.

Item 3

Councillor Lathers said she was happy to go with any reasonable plan so long as organisers made sure the Christmas lights weren’t arranged in a rude and suggestive shape. She’d recently heard about a village in the East Midlands whose Christmas lights had looked like something very saucy one year when viewed from a pavement outside a restaurant which she seemed to remember had been called Oscar’s. She’d found a photo of the twinkling monstrosity in the Nottingham Evening Post which had made all her female friends chuckle and all her male friends feel inadequate.

Councillor Martin said the village in question must have been really embarrassed and probably wouldn’t want to be reminded about it, possibly by way of a column in the village newspaper. Councillor Gooding said the only way this could happen was in the medium of satire and only if the writer was friends with the editor.

Councillor Lathers urged everyone to stop making puerile jokes about this, and conversation returned to this year’s Shufflehampton Christmas lights erection.

Item 4

Michael Buble, yesterday

Councillor Boothby asked if there was time to get a celebrity to switch on the Christmas lights because the local parliamentary candidate for the Brexit Party had suddenly become unavailable. Councillor Martin said she was a big fan of The Krankies and would be sure to ask them if she saw them in the newsagents.

Councillor Watterson said that if necessary he could always dress up as Santa because it would make a change to do this for the general public and not just for his wife. Councillor Boothby said what about Michael Bublé. Councillor Watterson said this was a better idea, but he didn’t have a Michael Bublé costume.

There was a polite pause as Councillors Boothby, Lathers and Martin clearly had simultaneous naughty thoughts about Michael Bublé, judging by the expressions on their faces.

It was agreed that the Council reconvene in a week to firm up plans. There was no further mention of Councillor Watterson’s Santa costume because this just made everyone dead uncomfortable, to be fair.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, Councillor Watterson said he could no longer restrain himself and Councillor Lathers was a loathsome harpy with spite and malice in her cold, black heart.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, with Councillor Lathers yanking Councillor Watterson’s boxer shorts vigorously in an upwards direction so that his eyes would water for 4-6 weeks.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

Photo credits

  • Michael Bublé c/o Wikimedia Commons
  • Christmas card c/o