Calverton’s Ghosts Plan Industrial Action

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

CALVERTON’S GHOSTS are going on strike, confirm mediums.

With news that the TV show Help! My House Is Haunted may be filming in the village again, local spirits have decided they’re no longer prepared to haunt for free.

‘We want an appearance fee,’ said the notorious White Lady at Saturday’s meeting of the Apparitions, Ghosts and Ghouls Hub (AGGH!) at the function room of The Admiral Wendy.

‘People have been taking advantage so we’ve had to unionise. Being a ghost costs. Austerity’s put at least a quid on the cost of a litre of ectoplasm and there’s been a huge rise in the cost of unliving. So Help! My House Is Haunted can jog on unless there’s a guarantee of at least Equity minimum.

But not for White Sheet Gary, obviously, because we think he was made up by some local author.’

A motion to strike was tabled by a pair of disembodied legs wearing riding trousers and was seconded by Conservative MP Mark Spencer, who may have been at the wrong meeting. AGGH! will give formal notice of strike action next week.

The meeting broke up with a figure in a wide brimmed black hat jumping into a taxi at the bottom of George’s Lane.