The Parish Council Minutes #3

  • More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A shabby attempt to discredit my dad.’ MADE UP QUOTE

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, said he’d stopped adding silly words into the minutes to check if Parish Councillors were reading them. He said he’d thought about replacing some of the words with rhyming words but the Chairman had told him not to do this or he’d go back to cleaning the toilets at Shufflehampton Pleasure Centre.

Item 2

Councillor Watterson apologised for not being present at the meeting. He was physically present, but had his mind on other things so wouldn’t be listening.

Item 3

The Council sent its good wishes to Councillor Lathers for a speedy recovery following her admission to hospital for treatment for head injuries sustained in a fight with Councillor Boothby at a previous Council meeting.

The Chairman said he’d received a letter from the firm of solicitors acting for Councillor Lathers and it looked like this was going to get very messy. Councillor Boothby said that Lathers should just have kept her mitts off her Lazlo, the brazen drab.

The Chairman asked the Clerk not to record anything to do with this in the minutes, at all, under any circumstances, and the Clerk agreed.

Rachel Riley, yesterday

Item 4

Councillor Boothby said that as suggested at the last meeting she’d asked the actor Tom Hardy to open the Village Fete. She suspected his current commitments to the Mad Max movie franchise were why he’d not responded to her tweet yet, and promised to keep the Chairman informed.

Councillor Dean said why not ask the charming Rachel Riley from Countdown to open the fete instead because, as far as he was aware, she wasn’t in any Mad Max films. Councillor Pritchard said this was a good idea and someone should approach Rachel Riley, but not him obviously, because of that restraining order.

Councillor Tomkins said she’d be happy to approach Rachel Riley but if she did agree to open the fete Councillor Pritchard’s restraining order would stop him from coming and who else would judge Shufflehampton’s Firmest Marrow. Councillor Pritchard said maybe he could just borrow a small tent and hide in it if Rachel walked past.

Councillor Boothby said Councillor Pritchard was a deeply unpleasant and creepy man who needed help. Councillor Dean said that if Councillor Pritchard needed help, he had a tent.

Item 5

Councillor Boothby complained that sexism was obviously rife in the Council. Councillor Dean said this was double standards because how was it okay for Councillor Boothby to openly simper at the prospect of buff young Tom Hardy sampling her prize-winning dumpsy dearie, and not okay for them to hold a torch for Rachel off Countdown. Boothby said this was different, because with her and Tom Hardy, there was no restraining order. Councillor Pritchard said not for the time being anyway. There was a cracking sound, and he cried out in agony.

Councillor Tomkins said that whoever opened the fete, the Council should avoid false advertising. For example, she’d taken two pounds of fresh raspberries, some caster sugar and some lemon juice to the function room at the Cow and Banjo last night, only to be told by the hairy man playing the drums it wasn’t that kind of jam session.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, when the ambulance turned up.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

Photo credits

  • Rachel Riley c/o Wikimedia Commons.

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