The Parish Council Minutes #4

  • More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘Still better organised than my garage.’ MADE UP QUOTE

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Some Spam, yesterday

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, said official email addresses had been set up for Councillors and these should now be used for all business correspondence. Councillor Watterson said he was worried about spam, and getting emails about pills to ‘help a chap out in the bedroom.’

Councillor Boothby said she knew some of these pills were expensive and had told her Lazlo not to get any more until the price of Viagra falls.

Councillor Dean said he’d gone on holiday to Viagra Falls with his wife.

Councillor Pritchard said he was also worried about spam, because of his allergy to processed pork.

Item 2

The Chairman welcomed Councillor Lathers to the meeting following her absence at the last two meetings due to severe migraines which lawyers had now formally confirmed were unlikely to have been caused by the head injuries sustained by Councillor Lathers from the heavy stapler thrown at her by Councillor Boothby at the last meeting Councillor Lathers had been to.

Councillor Watterson said if you wrote all that down in the minutes it would be a very long sentence.

Councillor Boothby said someone else she knew had just got a very long sentence.

The Chairman said his son Gary was very sorry about that.

Councillor Lathers said she and Councillor Boothby had agreed to put aside their differences, now that she’d put aside Councillor Boothby’s husband. Both Councillors said they just wanted to work together for the good of Shufflehampton and the wider community. The Council applauded them, suspiciously.

Brian, back from hospital

Item 3

Councillor Lathers said she’d complained about the recent ladies’ night at the Cow and Banjo. On hearing that attractive male waiters were serving food at tables half naked, she’d assumed it would be the top halves which were naked. This had not been the case, and now she couldn’t look at a sausage plait in quite the same way.

Councillor Boothby said she’d also complained about the ladies’ night after driving her 19-year-old son Brian, a professional male model, to A and E to be treated for pastry burns to his tallywhacker.

The Chairman stated that colleagues should not have attended this sordid event because the Council’s reputation was already crumbling. ‘A bit like the sausage plait,’ said Councillor Lathers.

Councillor Tomkins said she thought everyone was taking this far too seriously and perhaps, in this case, laughter was the best medicine. Councillor Boothby said not for the pastry burns, because this was Savlon.

Councillor Watterson said he quite liked going to the Cow and Banjo. The pub had started a weekly Scrabble club which meant he no longer needed to play with himself.

Item 4

Councillor Dean once again reminded colleagues that with elections on the way it was important to safeguard the Parish Council’s reputation even though everyone knew where the bodies were buried. Councillor Tomkins said yes, these were no longer in the shallow grave under the cricket pavilion.

Councillor Dean confirmed he’d been using a metaphor again and everyone relaxed, apart from Councillor Tomkins.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Council agreed to support the planning application to build new houses on the land currently occupied by Shufflehampton Cricket Club. Councillor Dean, a longstanding critic of the plans, confirmed he no longer saw any reason why the development could not go ahead.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm with yummy flapjacks.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

Photo credits

The following photo used under Creative Commons licence.

Other photo:

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