The Parish Council Minutes #2

  • An occasional series of utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A frankly shocking indictment of institutionalised malpractice and ineptitude.’ MADE UP QUOTE
MEETING DATE: Thursday 28 February 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, noted that all Councillors were present apart from Councillor Lathers who had a migraine. The Council sent its good wishes to Councillor Lathers for a speedy recovery, apart from Councillor Boothby who’d thrown the stapler at Councillor Lathers causing the migraines.

Councillor Tomkins said that when she’d had migraines she’d got help from a complementary therapist. Councillor Boothby said her therapist hadn’t been very complimentary when she’d accused him of trying to give her a big snog.

The Chairman said his son Gary was very sorry about that.

Item 2

Councillor Pritchard sent his apologies, not for failing to attend the meeting (because he was at the meeting), but because of his poor self-awareness and casual xenophobia. He wasn’t proud of these things, but was now too set in his ways to try to view the world any differently and perfectly content for younger generations to bear the consequences of his ill-conceived and inherently selfish decisions.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 3

The Chairman said he’d seen some embarrassing mistakes in official documents and asked if the Clerk used spell check. The Clerk said he did, but that spell check wouldn’t pick up any instance of an intended word being replaced by a similarly spelled word where that similarly spelled word was a legitimate English word and was correctly spelled. The Chairman said all this was fine, he just didn’t want anyone looking silly ahead of the forthcoming Council erections.

Councillor Dean said Councillors should present a united front in public even though they all knew where the bodies were buried. Councillor Tomkins said yes, in the shallow grave under the cricket pavilion.

Councillor Dean confirmed he’d been using a metaphor and everyone relaxed, apart from Councillor Tomkins.

Tom Hardy, yesterday

Item 4

The Councillors were asked to declare any interests. Councillor Boothby said the actor Tom Hardy. The Chairman said this wasn’t what ‘declaring interests’ usually meant, but that his wife agreed with Councillor Boothby about Tom Hardy, particularly since Mad Max: Fury Road.

Councillor Dean said Tom Hardy was a credit to the acting profession and couldn’t the Council give him an opportunity to open the Village Fete. Councillor Boothby said she’d be very happy to give him one.

Councillor Watterson said why couldn’t the Village Fete sponsor the latest Bob Geldof charity project as advertised at the local Tesco. Councillor Tomkins said she’d check, but was sure that ‘Dishwasher Rinse Aid’ was a detergent product and not a fundraiser.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 5

Councillor Morgan left the meeting, realising he was a Parish Councillor in another village and had come to this meeting by mistake.

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Chairman asked the Clerk if he had ceased his irritating practice of adding silly words into the minutes to check if any of the Councillors had read them. The Clerk said he had.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm hubba hubba yum yum.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

Photo credits

  • Tom Hardy c/o Wikimedia Commons.

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