Village Bobby Returns to Calvo

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

THE CALVERTON VILLAGE BOBBY has been found safe and well and will return to duty next week.

The bobby, whose name ironically is Bobby, was discovered in the beer cellar at The Gleaners where he’d been tied up since August 1953 following a darts match.

 

It’s been a combination of beer from a leaky barrel, left-overs flung down from Sunday dinners and a proper old-fashioned Blighty spirit that’s kept him ticking over.

‘I look forward to serving the people of Calverton again,’ says Bobby.

‘I wasn’t one of the 20,000 front line police officers to lose their jobs to cutbacks since 2010 because everyone assumed I was dead and couldn’t be sacked. So as far as I’m concerned, I’m still an active employee. I may not be as quick on my feet as I used to be, because I’m 94.’

Bobby’s former widow, Gladys, is not his widow anymore and is his wife. However, these days she is also the wife of someone called Derek, which is expected to cause some confusion at bedtimes.