- More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘You really couldn’t make this up.’ MADE UP QUOTE
MEETING DATE: FRIDAY 29 MARCH 2019
THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting of the Twinning Sub-Committee at 7.30 pm.
Item 1
Cyril Keenly, the Secretary of the Sub-Committee, confirmed that Shufflehampton was to be twinned with Kurtlich zum Bummen in Bavaria, Germany.
The Chairman offered to show the Sub-Committee a letter from the town’s Burgermeister. Councillor Watterson said he preferred KFC. The Chairman explained that ‘Burgermeister’ was the German word for ‘Mayor’ and wasn’t a popular fast food chain. Councillor Watterson said he usually went for the Zinger Tower.
Item 2
Councillor Dean said he was worried because ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ sounded like a really dirty instruction you could give to someone called Kurt.
Councillor Pritchard said there was no-one called Kurt living in Shufflehampton, so no risk of someone called Kurt being upset by the words ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ or taking them as an instruction to do something dirty.
Councillor Dean said it wasn’t really the ‘Kurt’ part he was worried about so much as the ‘lich zum Bummen’ part, which might make villagers complain, or giggle.
Councillor Watterson said hang on, weren’t there lots of people in Germany called Kurt who might already be upset by the words ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ and did the Germans get any complaints and could the Sub-Committee get the advice of Germany. Councillor Boothby said it would be difficult to get the advice of the whole of Germany because some of it might be on holiday at the moment.
Councillor Lathers said none of this was necessary because in Germany, ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ was simply the name of a Bavarian town and wasn’t taken to mean: ‘Kurt, lick these buttocks,’ which was totally a puerile English thing.
Councillor Boothby said perhaps it would be best to find a different twin town, or persuade Kurtlich zum Bummen to change its name to something less rude. Councillor Pritchard said he’d once visited a place in Scotland called Twatt.
The Chairman thanked the Sub-Committee for its valuable input.
Item 3
Councillor Watterson said he was really excited about visiting the new twin town because he’d never met anyone who looked identical to himself before.
The Chairman suggested that Councillor Watterson may have misunderstood the idea of ‘twin town’ at a conceptual level.
Councillor Watterson said he was still looking forward to grabbing a bite to eat with his doppelganger.
The Chairman explained that ‘twin town’ didn’t mean a town full of people who looked exactly the same as all of the people in another town, for pity’s sake.
Councillor Watterson said it was perfectly reasonable to assume this was what ‘twin town’ meant because identical people could be found everywhere and he knew someone called Pedro who’d just moved to Shufflehampton from Guadalajara who looked just like him. Councillor Lathers said this was clearly cobblers, and that Councillor Watterson was just trying to save face and not look like a place in Scotland Councillor Pritchard said he’d once visited.
Councillor Watterson excused himself from the meeting. Councillor Pritchard said he’d also driven through a place in Essex called Fingringhoe.
Item 4
Councillor Tomkins said that if the mayor of Kurtlich zum Bummen was available, couldn’t he open the Village Fete. Councillor Boothby said no, the actor Tom Hardy had now confirmed he would do this.
Item 5
Before Councillor Boothby could continue, Councillor Watterson re-entered the room wearing a sombrero, fake moustache and a poncho, grinning manically. The Chairman asked Councillor Watterson what he was doing, to which Councillor Watterson replied: ‘Me eez not the Councillor, hombre! Me eez Pedro from Guadalajara. Ole!’
Despite many attempts to reason with him, Councillor Watterson did not break character. He was gently escorted from the premises and put into a taxi.
The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, with the shaking of maracas.
copyright (c) carterbloke 2019
Minutes of previous meetings
Photo credits
- Lederhose c/o pixabay.com
- Mexican outfit c/o Wikimedia Commons.
Simon Carter 