The Parish Council Minutes #6

  • More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘I moan about them lots on Facebook, but never turn up to vote.’ MADE UP QUOTE

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Iron Man, sacrificing himself to defeat Thanos, yesterday

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, reminded Councillors that official email addresses were only for Council business and not for personal use. Councillor Dean asked if ‘personal use’ included buying exotic underclothing off the internet. The Chairman said not if the underclothing was for official business. Councillor Dean said this was fine, he only wore it to meetings.

The Chairman asked the Clerk not to record what Councillor Dean just said in the minutes. The Clerk said yes, he could keep a secret. Councillor Watterson said no, the Clerk couldn’t keep a secret because he often revealed spoilers about films which Councillor Watterson hadn’t got around to seeing yet. The Clerk apologised for this, and Iron Man died in Avengers: Endgame.

Item 2

Councillor Lathers said she’d received several complaints about plagues of slugs in the village allotments. Councillor Boothby said there were lots of slugs at this time of year but they pretty much exploded when you poured salt on them. Councillor Dean asked did they actually explode, or was this just an exaggeration. Councillor Boothby said she didn’t think a protective vest was needed when you poured salt on a slug so there was no need for alarm. Councillor Dean said what about some kind of robot sniffer dog, just in case.

Councillor Tomkins said if slugs exploded, you’d have to be careful on an aeroplane in case hijackers strapped slugs to themselves and threatened to add table salt if the FBI didn’t give in to their demands. She thought that one way of combating this might be to ban taking salt onto aeroplanes, like they do with deodorant and possibly toothpaste these days.

Councillor Dean said all this was very well but what if hijackers just smuggled the salt onto the plane disguised as icing sugar, or crack cocaine. Councillor Tomkins said this was a good point, and actually it was probably harder to disguise slugs, so maybe it was slugs that should be banned from aeroplanes and not salt. Councillor Pritchard said it was easy to disguise a slug by putting a shell on it and calling it a snail.

Councillor Boothby said there was no way you could smuggle crack cocaine onto an aeroplane, but based on current discussions it was obviously very easy to smuggle it into a council meeting.

The Chairman thanked everyone for their valuable input. Changing the subject, he said he wanted to book a speaker for a Council function next month and did anyone object to David Cameron, former Prime Minister and MP for Witney. Councillor Lathers said hadn’t she been in The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner.

Item 3

Councillor Morgan excused himself from the meeting, once again realising he was a Parish Councillor in a different village and had come to this meeting by mistake.

Shufflehampton Woods, five years ago

Item 4

The Chairman asked for an update on Village Fete plans. Councillor Boothby said that while Tom Hardy was free to open the event, this wasn’t the actor Tom Hardy because she’d sent her tweet by mistake to Tom Hardy the painter and decorator from Tunbridge Wells, and not the actor Tom Hardy from the Mad Max films.

Councillor Boothby said she’d now sent a tweet to the correct Tom Hardy (the famous one) and told Tunbridge Wells Tom Hardy (the not-so-famous one) that his services were no longer needed because no-one had heard of him and why would anyone book a painter and decorator from Tunbridge Wells to open the Village Fete, for pity’s sake.

Tunbridge Wells Tom Hardy had said bear him in mind anyway, because he did a children’s magic act on the side and was DBS-cleared. He also did something very imaginative with a rabbit.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Chairman said he’d just been told by the police that the bodies of two people had been found under the floorboards of the function room at the Cow and Banjo.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, when Black Widow also died in Avengers: Endgame.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

Photo credits

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