Tag: Fiction

• More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘I moan about them lots on Facebook, but never turn up to vote.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: FRIDAY 24 MAY 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, reminded Councillors that official email addresses were only for Council business and not for personal use. Councillor Dean asked if ‘personal use’ included buying exotic underclothing off the internet. The Chairman said not if the underclothing was for official business. Councillor Dean said this was fine, he only wore it to meetings.

The Chairman asked the Clerk not to record what Councillor Dean just said in the minutes. The Clerk said yes, he could keep a secret. Councillor Watterson said no, the Clerk couldn’t keep a secret because he often revealed spoilers about films which Councillor Watterson hadn’t got around to seeing yet. The Clerk apologised for this, and Iron Man died in Avengers: Endgame.

Item 2

Councillor Lathers said she’d received several complaints about plagues of slugs in the village allotments. Councillor Boothby said there were lots of slugs at this time of year but they pretty much exploded when you poured salt on them. Councillor Dean asked did they actually explode, or was this just an exaggeration. Councillor Boothby said she didn’t think a protective vest was needed when you poured salt on a slug so there was no need for alarm. Councillor Dean said what about some kind of robot sniffer dog, just in case.

Councillor Tomkins said if slugs exploded, you’d have to be careful on an aeroplane in case hijackers strapped slugs to themselves and threatened to add table salt if the FBI didn’t give in to their demands. She thought that one way of combating this might be to ban taking salt onto aeroplanes, like they do with deodorant and possibly toothpaste these days.

Councillor Dean said all this was very well but what if hijackers just smuggled the salt onto the plane disguised as icing sugar, or crack cocaine. Councillor Tomkins said this was a good point, and actually it was probably harder to disguise slugs, so maybe it was slugs that should be banned from aeroplanes and not salt. Councillor Pritchard said it was easy to disguise a slug by putting a shell on it and calling it a snail.

Councillor Boothby said there was no way you could smuggle crack cocaine onto an aeroplane, but based on current discussions it was obviously very easy to smuggle it into a council meeting.

The Chairman thanked everyone for their valuable input. Changing the subject, he said he wanted to book a speaker for a Council function next month and did anyone object to David Cameron, former Prime Minister and MP for Witney. Councillor Lathers said hadn’t she been in The Bodyguard with Kevin Costner.

Item 3

Councillor Morgan excused himself from the meeting, once again realising he was a Parish Councillor in a different village and had come to this meeting by mistake.

Item 4

The Chairman asked for an update on Village Fete plans. Councillor Boothby said that while Tom Hardy was free to open the event, this wasn’t the actor Tom Hardy because she’d sent her tweet by mistake to Tom Hardy the painter and decorator from Tunbridge Wells, and not the actor Tom Hardy from the Mad Max films.

Councillor Boothby said she’d now sent a tweet to the correct Tom Hardy (the famous one) and told Tunbridge Wells Tom Hardy (the not-so-famous one) that his services were no longer needed because no-one had heard of him and why would anyone book a painter and decorator from Tunbridge Wells to open the Village Fete, for pity’s sake.

Tunbridge Wells Tom Hardy had said bear him in mind anyway, because he did a children’s magic act on the side and was DBS-cleared. He also did something very imaginative with a rabbit.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Chairman said he’d just been told by the police that the bodies of two people had been found under the floorboards of the function room at the Cow and Banjo.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, when Black Widow also died in Avengers: Endgame.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1 | Meeting #2 | Meeting #3 | Meeting #4 | Meeting #5

Photo credits

• Iron Man c/o pxhere.com
• Murderer c/o pixabay.com

• More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘You really couldn’t make this up.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: FRIDAY 29 MARCH 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting of the Twinning Sub-Committee at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Secretary of the Sub-Committee, confirmed that Shufflehampton was to be twinned with Kurtlich zum Bummen in Bavaria, Germany.

The Chairman offered to show the Sub-Committee a letter from the town’s Burgermeister. Councillor Watterson said he preferred KFC. The Chairman explained that ‘Burgermeister’ was the German word for ‘Mayor’ and wasn’t a popular fast food chain. Councillor Watterson said he usually went for the Zinger Tower.

Item 2

Councillor Dean said he was worried because ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ sounded like a really dirty instruction you could give to someone called Kurt.

Councillor Pritchard said there was no-one called Kurt living in Shufflehampton, so no risk of someone called Kurt being upset by the words ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ or taking them as an instruction to do something dirty.

Councillor Dean said it wasn’t really the ‘Kurt’ part he was worried about so much as the ‘lich zum Bummen’ part, which might make villagers complain, or giggle.

Councillor Watterson said hang on, weren’t there lots of people in Germany called Kurt who might already be upset by the words ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ and did the Germans get any complaints and could the Sub-Committee get the advice of Germany. Councillor Boothby said it would be difficult to get the advice of the whole of Germany because some of it might be on holiday at the moment.

Councillor Lathers said none of this was necessary because in Germany, ‘Kurtlich zum Bummen’ was simply the name of a Bavarian town and wasn’t taken to mean: ‘Kurt, lick these buttocks,’ which was totally a puerile English thing.

Councillor Boothby said perhaps it would be best to find a different twin town, or persuade Kurtlich zum Bummen to change its name to something less rude. Councillor Pritchard said he’d once visited a place in Scotland called Twatt.

The Chairman thanked the Sub-Committee for its valuable input.

Item 3

Councillor Watterson said he was really excited about visiting the new twin town because he’d never met anyone who looked identical to himself before.

The Chairman suggested that Councillor Watterson may have misunderstood the idea of ‘twin town’ at a conceptual level.

Councillor Watterson said he was still looking forward to grabbing a bite to eat with his doppelganger.

The Chairman explained that ‘twin town’ didn’t mean a town full of people who looked exactly the same as all of the people in another town, for pity’s sake.

Councillor Watterson said it was perfectly reasonable to assume this was what ‘twin town’ meant because identical people could be found everywhere and he knew someone called Pedro who’d just moved to Shufflehampton from Guadalajara who looked just like him. Councillor Lathers said this was clearly cobblers, and that Councillor Watterson was just trying to save face and not look like a place in Scotland Councillor Pritchard said he’d once visited.

Councillor Watterson excused himself from the meeting. Councillor Pritchard said he’d also driven through a place in Essex called Fingringhoe.

Item 4

Councillor Tomkins said that if the mayor of Kurtlich zum Bummen was available, couldn’t he open the Village Fete. Councillor Boothby said no, the actor Tom Hardy had now confirmed he would do this.

Item 5

Before Councillor Boothby could continue, Councillor Watterson re-entered the room wearing a sombrero, fake moustache and a poncho, grinning manically. The Chairman asked Councillor Watterson what he was doing, to which Councillor Watterson replied: ‘Me eez not the Councillor, hombre! Me eez Pedro from Guadalajara. Ole!’

Despite many attempts to reason with him, Councillor Watterson did not break character. He was gently escorted from the premises and put into a taxi.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, with the shaking of maracas.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1 | Meeting #2 | Meeting #3 | Meeting #4

Photo credits

• Lederhose c/o pixabay.com
• Mexican outfit c/o Wikimedia Commons.

• More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘Still better organised than my garage.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: TUESDAY 19 MARCH 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, said official email addresses had been set up for Councillors and these should now be used for all business correspondence. Councillor Watterson said he was worried about spam, and getting emails about pills to ‘help a chap out in the bedroom.’

Councillor Boothby said she knew some of these pills were expensive and had told her Lazlo not to get any more until the price of Viagra falls.

Councillor Dean said he’d gone on holiday to Viagra Falls with his wife.

Councillor Pritchard said he was also worried about spam, because of his allergy to processed pork.

Item 2

The Chairman welcomed Councillor Lathers to the meeting following her absence at the last two meetings due to severe migraines which lawyers had now formally confirmed were unlikely to have been caused by the head injuries sustained by Councillor Lathers from the heavy stapler thrown at her by Councillor Boothby at the last meeting Councillor Lathers had been to.

Councillor Watterson said if you wrote all that down in the minutes it would be a very long sentence.

Councillor Boothby said someone else she knew had just got a very long sentence.

The Chairman said his son Gary was very sorry about that.

Councillor Lathers said she and Councillor Boothby had agreed to put aside their differences, now that she’d put aside Councillor Boothby’s husband. Both Councillors said they just wanted to work together for the good of Shufflehampton and the wider community. The Council applauded them, suspiciously.

Item 3

Councillor Lathers said she’d complained about the recent ladies’ night at the Cow and Banjo. On hearing that attractive male waiters were serving food at tables half naked, she’d assumed it would be the top halves which were naked. This had not been the case, and now she couldn’t look at a sausage plait in quite the same way.

Councillor Boothby said she’d also complained about the ladies’ night after driving her 19-year-old son Brian, a professional male model, to A and E to be treated for pastry burns to his tallywhacker.

The Chairman stated that colleagues should not have attended this sordid event because the Council’s reputation was already crumbling. ‘A bit like the sausage plait,’ said Councillor Lathers.

Councillor Tomkins said she thought everyone was taking this far too seriously and perhaps, in this case, laughter was the best medicine. Councillor Boothby said not for the pastry burns, because this was Savlon.

Councillor Watterson said he quite liked going to the Cow and Banjo. The pub had started a weekly Scrabble club which meant he no longer needed to play with himself.

Item 4

Councillor Dean once again reminded colleagues that with elections on the way it was important to safeguard the Parish Council’s reputation even though everyone knew where the bodies were buried. Councillor Tomkins said yes, these were no longer in the shallow grave under the cricket pavilion.

Councillor Dean confirmed he’d been using a metaphor again and everyone relaxed, apart from Councillor Tomkins.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Council agreed to support the planning application to build new houses on the land currently occupied by Shufflehampton Cricket Club. Councillor Dean, a longstanding critic of the plans, confirmed he no longer saw any reason why the development could not go ahead.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm with yummy flapjacks.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1 | Meeting #2 | Meeting #3

Photo credits

The following photo used under Creative Commons licence.

• Spam c/o Mike Mozart

Other photo:

• Man in pain c/o  pxhere.com

• More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A shabby attempt to discredit my dad.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: THURSDAY 7 MARCH 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, said he’d stopped adding silly words into the minutes to check if Parish Councillors were reading them. He said he’d thought about replacing some of the words with rhyming words but the Chairman had told him not to do this or he’d go back to cleaning the toilets at Shufflehampton Pleasure Centre.

Item 2

Councillor Watterson apologised for not being present at the meeting. He was physically present, but had his mind on other things so wouldn’t be listening.

Item 3

The Council sent its good wishes to Councillor Lathers for a speedy recovery following her admission to hospital for treatment for head injuries sustained in a fight with Councillor Boothby at a previous Council meeting.

The Chairman said he’d received a letter from the firm of solicitors acting for Councillor Lathers and it looked like this was going to get very messy. Councillor Boothby said that Lathers should just have kept her mitts off her Lazlo, the brazen drab.

The Chairman asked the Clerk not to record anything to do with this in the minutes, at all, under any circumstances, and the Clerk agreed.

Item 4

Councillor Boothby said that as suggested at the last meeting she’d asked the actor Tom Hardy to open the Village Fete. She suspected his current commitments to the Mad Max movie franchise were why he’d not responded to her tweet yet, and promised to keep the Chairman informed.

Councillor Dean said why not ask the charming Rachel Riley from Countdown to open the fete instead because, as far as he was aware, she wasn’t in any Mad Max films. Councillor Pritchard said this was a good idea and someone should approach Rachel Riley, but not him obviously, because of that restraining order.

Councillor Tomkins said she’d be happy to approach Rachel Riley but if she did agree to open the fete Councillor Pritchard’s restraining order would stop him from coming and who else would judge Shufflehampton’s Firmest Marrow. Councillor Pritchard said maybe he could just borrow a small tent and hide in it if Rachel walked past.

Councillor Boothby said Councillor Pritchard was a deeply unpleasant and creepy man who needed help. Councillor Dean said that if Councillor Pritchard needed help, he had a tent.

Item 5

Councillor Boothby complained that sexism was obviously rife in the Council. Councillor Dean said this was double standards because how was it okay for Councillor Boothby to openly simper at the prospect of buff young Tom Hardy sampling her prize-winning dumpsy dearie, and not okay for them to hold a torch for Rachel off Countdown. Boothby said this was different, because with her and Tom Hardy, there was no restraining order. Councillor Pritchard said not for the time being anyway. There was a cracking sound, and he cried out in agony.

Councillor Tomkins said that whoever opened the fete, the Council should avoid false advertising. For example, she’d taken two pounds of fresh raspberries, some caster sugar and some lemon juice to the function room at the Cow and Banjo last night, only to be told by the hairy man playing the drums it wasn’t that kind of jam session.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, when the ambulance turned up.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1 | Meeting #2

Photo credits

• Rachel Riley c/o Wikimedia Commons.

• An occasional series of utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A frankly shocking indictment of institutionalised malpractice and ineptitude.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: Thursday 28 February 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, noted that all Councillors were present apart from Councillor Lathers who had a migraine. The Council sent its good wishes to Councillor Lathers for a speedy recovery, apart from Councillor Boothby who’d thrown the stapler at Councillor Lathers causing the migraines.

Councillor Tomkins said that when she’d had migraines she’d got help from a complementary therapist. Councillor Boothby said her therapist hadn’t been very complimentary when she’d accused him of trying to give her a big snog.

The Chairman said his son Gary was very sorry about that.

Item 2

Councillor Pritchard sent his apologies, not for failing to attend the meeting (because he was at the meeting), but because of his poor self-awareness and casual xenophobia. He wasn’t proud of these things, but was now too set in his ways to try to view the world any differently and perfectly content for younger generations to bear the consequences of his ill-conceived and inherently selfish decisions.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 3

The Chairman said he’d seen some embarrassing mistakes in official documents and asked if the Clerk used spell check. The Clerk said he did, but that spell check wouldn’t pick up any instance of an intended word being replaced by a similarly spelled word where that similarly spelled word was a legitimate English word and was correctly spelled. The Chairman said all this was fine, he just didn’t want anyone looking silly ahead of the forthcoming Council erections.

Councillor Dean said Councillors should present a united front in public even though they all knew where the bodies were buried. Councillor Tomkins said yes, in the shallow grave under the cricket pavilion.

Councillor Dean confirmed he’d been using a metaphor and everyone relaxed, apart from Councillor Tomkins.

Item 4

The Councillors were asked to declare any interests. Councillor Boothby said the actor Tom Hardy. The Chairman said this wasn’t what ‘declaring interests’ usually meant, but that his wife agreed with Councillor Boothby about Tom Hardy, particularly since Mad Max: Fury Road.

Councillor Dean said Tom Hardy was a credit to the acting profession and couldn’t the Council give him an opportunity to open the Village Fete. Councillor Boothby said she’d be very happy to give him one.

Councillor Watterson said why couldn’t the Village Fete sponsor the latest Bob Geldof charity project as advertised at the local Tesco. Councillor Tomkins said she’d check, but was sure that ‘Dishwasher Rinse Aid’ was a detergent product and not a fundraiser.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 5

Councillor Morgan left the meeting, realising he was a Parish Councillor in another village and had come to this meeting by mistake.

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Chairman asked the Clerk if he had ceased his irritating practice of adding silly words into the minutes to check if any of the Councillors had read them. The Clerk said he had.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm hubba hubba yum yum.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1

Photo credits

• Tom Hardy c/o Wikimedia Commons.