The Parish Council Minutes #8

  • More utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘If democracy wasn’t already dead, it would be dead now.’ MADE UP QUOTE
MEETING DATE: FRIDAY 23 JULY 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Councillor Martin’s gangster friends, possibly imaginary, yesterday

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, confirmed that the minutes of the last meeting were to be amended to show Councillor Pritchard not being brutally slain with a pick-axe. While Councillor Pritchard had seemed dead when he’d been found in the hallway, it later emerged he’d only been seriously injured when he woke up suddenly in the morgue, making the cleaner do a big poo in his undercrackers.

Councillor Lathers said she’d been denied entry to the hospital ward by armed police but had learned that Councillor Pritchard had fallen into a coma, stopping him from spilling all he knew about the bodies recently found under the Cow and Banjo and also from coming to meetings for a bit.

Councillor Martin said all this silly nonsense could be sorted out discreetly and professionally through her contacts in the Russian mafia, and would anyone like a coconut macaroon.

Item 2

As per the new procedure, the Chairman asked Councillors to declare any murders.

It was noted that no Councillors had murdered anyone since the last meeting. No Councillors had tried to murder Councillor Pritchard either because they all had perfectly plausible alibis, and anyone who thought any different could jog on, quite frankly.

Councillor Boothby said she was concerned about the reputational damage all this was causing the Parish Council but was glad there was nothing else anyone knew about which could make matters worse.

Councillor Watterson said not so fast, baby cakes.

Item 3

Councillor Watterson said the recent ladies’ night hosted by Shufflehampton Women’s Institute at the village hall had descended into debauchery. As was the case with a similar event at the Cow and Banjo, food and drinks were served at tables to sozzled guests by half naked waiters, causing innocent people to be hurt and / or lightly fondled in the process.

Councillor Boothby said her son Brian hadn’t been one of the waiters this time because he was still being treated for the severe burns he’d received last time from that red-hot sausage plait. This had been so traumatic it had put Brian off any future career in catering, semi-clothed or otherwise, and even now he couldn’t walk past the hot pastry counter at Greggs without getting unpleasant, involuntary twinges. Often, he’d wake up screaming in the night with a recurring nightmare about being chased down a corridor by a giant, freshly baked steak and ale slice with hot coals for eyes, laughing at him.

Laughing.

Brian, still in pain, still applying the cream

Councillor Martin said the involuntary twinges she’d had at the ladies’ night hadn’t been unpleasant at all and she’d not had feelings like these since that holiday fling with Enrique in Marbella in 1978.

Councillor Watterson said he’d seen photos on Twitter of Councillor Lathers canoodling in a hedge with a young male model and Councillor Martin hoisting a pair of enormous frilly knickers up a flagpole. Councillor Watterson said several Parish Councillors were setting an appalling example to the community and it was high time they were removed from office.

Councillor Gooding agreed, showing Councillor Watterson a photo on his mobile of Councillor Watterson at a karaoke party, standing in a bowl of warm custard, drunkenly singing Barry Manilow’s Copacabana with a colourful peacock feather sticking out of his sequined hot pants. At this point Councillor Watterson stopped speaking.

The Chairman asked if anyone had any dirt on him. Councillor Gooding passed the Chairman his mobile to look at some other photos, and the Chairman immediately resigned.

Councillor Martin said all it would take was one phone call, and Sergei and Anatoly could make all these problems go away. One phone call.

Item 4

Councillor Boothby assumed leadership of the meeting as Vice Chair. She said that in the circumstances it was probably best to end this meeting and reconvene another time. Those Councillors who hadn’t already left the meeting in shame, embarrassment or disgust agreed with Councillor Boothby, and then left the meeting in shame, embarrassment or disgust.

Item 5

Under ‘Any Other Business’, there was no other business because there was no-one left, to be fair.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm, with Councillor Martin making a phone call.

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Minutes of previous meetings

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