Category: Funny

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

A PHOTO SUPPOSEDLY TAKEN by a local wildlife enthusiast at William Lee Memorial Park may not be real, claim many of the village’s more competent photographers.

‘I can’t understand the backlash,’ said villager and now hobby photographer Norris Thetford, of Crookdole Lane, Calverton.

‘I don’t knock anyone for the brilliant and beautiful images of bumblebees and whatnot they post on Facebook. But do I get the same respect when I put up my snaps of a live velociraptor? No.’

Critics of Norris’ recent photographic contributions to local Facebook pages, which include so-called ‘live’ sightings of a dodo in some bushes near The Gleaners and Mothra the colossal sentient larva at a Parish Council meeting, say the authenticity of his work is questionable at best.

‘He’s ripped the velociraptor snap off the internet,’ said someone who knows something about photography.

‘It’s not unusual to see snarling, vicious creatures who look like they’ve not eaten for a month up at William Lee, but these are teenagers.

‘There’s no way Norris could have spotted, much less photographed, a dromaeosaurid theropod dinosaur that lived approximately 75 to 71 million years ago during the latter part of the Cretaceous Period last week in Calverton. His claims to have done so are clearly ridiculous.’

‘I had a witness. My wife Doris,’ said Norris.

‘But the dinosaur ate her.’

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

A NEW PRESERVATION SOCIETY has been set up in Calverton to preserve preservation societies which may become unable to preserve the things they’re preserving, it’s been revealed.

Two preservation societies have been identified for potential preservation so far.

 

Norris Thetford, a business continuity expert from Crookdole Lane, is the new Chairman of the Calverton Preservation and History Society and Calverton Real Ale and Plough Play Preservation Society Preservation Society (CPHSCRAPPPSPS).

‘It’s simple, really,’ explains Norris. ‘If a society’s preserving something – and we know it’s preserving something because the word ‘preservation’ is somewhere in the society’s name – then the thing it’s preserving won’t be preserved anymore if the society winds up.

So obviously it’s important to preserve the societies that preserve the things, otherwise the things might die out if they’re not preserved, like the history, and the beer.’

If Norris ever has to wind up his society, his son Ben has launched a society to preserve the society which has been set up to preserve preservation societies which may become unable to preserve the things they’re preserving.

So Ben has become Chairman of the newly-formed Calverton Preservation and History Society and Calverton Real Ale and Plough Play Preservation Society Preservation Society Preservation Society (CPHSCRAPPPSPSPS).

At this point, we have to say we lost interest.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

THE TOP END OF CALVERTON is really the bottom end of Calverton due to a map mix up, it has been confirmed.

Because of an Ordnance Survey printing error, it seems that residents have been reading the map of Calverton upside down since as far back as the 1790s.

‘This won’t be a major issue for most of us,’ said Collyer Road resident Norris Thetford, a Daily Mail subscriber so therefore habitual believer of lies.

‘Obviously there are people who’ll get mardy because they base their self-worth on the location and value of their house and have a misplaced sense of superiority. But for the rest of us it will just be business as usual.’

‘Superior? That’s how we feel about the whole of Calverton,’ said Woodborough.

To celebrate the new village order, there’ll be a party next week at the Bottom Club.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

CALVERTON’S GHOSTS are going on strike, confirm mediums.

With news that the TV show Help! My House Is Haunted may be filming in the village again, local spirits have decided they’re no longer prepared to haunt for free.

‘We want an appearance fee,’ said the notorious White Lady at Saturday’s meeting of the Apparitions, Ghosts and Ghouls Hub (AGGH!) at the function room of The Admiral Wendy.

‘People have been taking advantage so we’ve had to unionise. Being a ghost costs. Austerity’s put at least a quid on the cost of a litre of ectoplasm and there’s been a huge rise in the cost of unliving. So Help! My House Is Haunted can jog on unless there’s a guarantee of at least Equity minimum.

But not for White Sheet Gary, obviously, because we think he was made up by some local author.’

A motion to strike was tabled by a pair of disembodied legs wearing riding trousers and was seconded by Conservative MP Mark Spencer, who may have been at the wrong meeting. AGGH! will give formal notice of strike action next week.

The meeting broke up with a figure in a wide brimmed black hat jumping into a taxi at the bottom of George’s Lane.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

POPULAR CALVERTON PUB GAME Sticky 13’s has been outlawed for health and safety reasons, it has been confirmed.

 

The game, which is basically bingo with playing cards, has been a regular feature at hostelries across the village for generations. But according to health inspectors those cards are ‘sticky’ for a rather unpleasant, and now potentially lethal, reason.

‘They’ve passed through thousands of pairs of hands,’ said Brian Gibbons from the Health and Safety Executive.

‘We’ve looked at cards from the Top Club, Geordie Club and The Admiral Wendy through a microscope. They’re minging. All manner of gunk on them. Bodily fluids, bits of chewing gum, fag ash and what looks to be a genuine hair sample from the rare Tianzhu white yak. How did that get there? It’s indigenous to Tibet.

‘It’s obvious. Playing stickies will expose you to deadly bacteria and may even kill you. Our research says you’re statistically more likely to die from playing stickies three times a week for twenty-one years then you are from necking a pint of Domestos. So stickies are banned, so there.’

The news has been met with utter indifference by pub landlords, most of whom have just bought new playing cards to replace the old ones.

Calverton looks forward to welcoming you soon for a pint, and a lovely game of Slidey 13’s.