Category: Comedy

• An occasional series of utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A frankly shocking indictment of institutionalised malpractice and ineptitude.’ MADE UP QUOTE

MEETING DATE: Thursday 28 February 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, noted that all Councillors were present apart from Councillor Lathers who had a migraine. The Council sent its good wishes to Councillor Lathers for a speedy recovery, apart from Councillor Boothby who’d thrown the stapler at Councillor Lathers causing the migraines.

Councillor Tomkins said that when she’d had migraines she’d got help from a complementary therapist. Councillor Boothby said her therapist hadn’t been very complimentary when she’d accused him of trying to give her a big snog.

The Chairman said his son Gary was very sorry about that.

Item 2

Councillor Pritchard sent his apologies, not for failing to attend the meeting (because he was at the meeting), but because of his poor self-awareness and casual xenophobia. He wasn’t proud of these things, but was now too set in his ways to try to view the world any differently and perfectly content for younger generations to bear the consequences of his ill-conceived and inherently selfish decisions.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 3

The Chairman said he’d seen some embarrassing mistakes in official documents and asked if the Clerk used spell check. The Clerk said he did, but that spell check wouldn’t pick up any instance of an intended word being replaced by a similarly spelled word where that similarly spelled word was a legitimate English word and was correctly spelled. The Chairman said all this was fine, he just didn’t want anyone looking silly ahead of the forthcoming Council erections.

Councillor Dean said Councillors should present a united front in public even though they all knew where the bodies were buried. Councillor Tomkins said yes, in the shallow grave under the cricket pavilion.

Councillor Dean confirmed he’d been using a metaphor and everyone relaxed, apart from Councillor Tomkins.

Item 4

The Councillors were asked to declare any interests. Councillor Boothby said the actor Tom Hardy. The Chairman said this wasn’t what ‘declaring interests’ usually meant, but that his wife agreed with Councillor Boothby about Tom Hardy, particularly since Mad Max: Fury Road.

Councillor Dean said Tom Hardy was a credit to the acting profession and couldn’t the Council give him an opportunity to open the Village Fete. Councillor Boothby said she’d be very happy to give him one.

Councillor Watterson said why couldn’t the Village Fete sponsor the latest Bob Geldof charity project as advertised at the local Tesco. Councillor Tomkins said she’d check, but was sure that ‘Dishwasher Rinse Aid’ was a detergent product and not a fundraiser.

Councillor Morgan seconded this, even though it didn’t need seconding.

Item 5

Councillor Morgan left the meeting, realising he was a Parish Councillor in another village and had come to this meeting by mistake.

Under ‘Any Other Business’, the Chairman asked the Clerk if he had ceased his irritating practice of adding silly words into the minutes to check if any of the Councillors had read them. The Clerk said he had.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm hubba hubba yum yum.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Minutes of previous meetings

• Meeting #1

Photo credits

• Tom Hardy c/o Wikimedia Commons.

• The first in a series of utterly riveting dispatches from Shufflehampton Parish Council, England. ‘A searing insight into the cut-and-thrust world of rural politics.’ MADE UP QUOTE

Meeting Date: Friday 22 February 2019

THE CHAIRMAN convened the meeting at 7.30 pm.

Item 1

Cyril Keenly, the Clerk of the Parish Council, said there was no point in writing minutes because the Parish Councillors never read them. He knew this because he’d been adding in silly words recently to see if anyone would notice wibbly wobbly dingly danglies.

Mister Keenly was thanked for raising the issue but asked to behave in future shooby dooby dooby.

Item 2

The Council considered whether its image was ‘funky enough’ for younger people to be engaged. Councillor Boothby said younger people should be engaged, particularly before getting married. Councillor Tomkins said that if it made things less boring why couldn’t the minutes refer to Council members in a showbiz way based on their initials like ‘J-Lo’ for the lovely Miss Jennifer Lopez. Many were supportive of this idea, but not Councillor Tim Watterson.

Councillor Pritchard said Parish Council business was often quite tedious so it was a waste of time trying to funk things up. The Clerk said that if the complaints he’d dealt with in the last month were anything to go by, the Council was already very good at this.

It was decided there were to be no new monikers for Council members. Councillor Boothby said a delightful Polish woman called Monica did her cleaning on Thursdays.

Item 3

Councillor Lathers put a motion to the Council that the gardener employed to maintain the village hall lawns be sacked after her pet dogs were cruelly smothered in horse manure. Councillor Lathers said that when she’d asked the gardener to put fertiliser on the borders she hadn’t meant her border collies.

Councillor Pritchard, smirking, asked Councillor Lathers if she was sure they were a pair of border collies and not a couple of shih tzus. Councillor Lathers replied that Skimpy Foo and Nang Nang had been deeply traumatised by the whole unsavoury experience and that Councillor Pritchard was an insensitive, but nonetheless very attractive, man.

The motion was carried.

Item 4

The Chairman said that attendance at meetings had recently been patchy and asked Councillors to catch up on any outstanding matters. Councillor Dean said he needed time to fully consider the motions. Councillor Boothby said her GP had fully considered her motions last week and there was probably a lack of bran in her diet. The Chairman asked if there was any other business. Councillor Boothby said not since last Tuesday, but thank you for asking.

Item 5

Councillor Boothby said wasn’t it terrible that her son Tony was getting the sack from his gardening job for a harmless prank with that horse poo and wasn’t Councillor Lathers a bitter and twisted old bat who was also having an affair with her husband.

Councillor Boothby threw a heavy stapler at Councillor Lathers, drawing blood. The pair quickly became embroiled in a fight, causing damage to each other and several of the soft furnishings. Councillor Dean tried to intervene but was punched hard in the face.

Given the somewhat controversial nature of the matters discussed at the meeting, the Chairman asked the Clerk of the Council to ensure the minutes were sanitised for inappropriate language.

The meeting ended at 8.01 pm fuzzy monkey nik naks.

copyright (c) carterbloke 2019

Photo credits

• Miss Jennifer Lopez c/o Wikimedia Commons.