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• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

THE TOP END OF CALVERTON is really the bottom end of Calverton due to a map mix up, it has been confirmed.

Because of an Ordnance Survey printing error, it seems that residents have been reading the map of Calverton upside down since as far back as the 1790s.

‘This won’t be a major issue for most of us,’ said Collyer Road resident Norris Thetford, a Daily Mail subscriber so therefore habitual believer of lies.

‘Obviously there are people who’ll get mardy because they base their self-worth on the location and value of their house and have a misplaced sense of superiority. But for the rest of us it will just be business as usual.’

‘Superior? That’s how we feel about the whole of Calverton,’ said Woodborough.

To celebrate the new village order, there’ll be a party next week at the Bottom Club.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

CALVERTON’S GHOSTS are going on strike, confirm mediums.

With news that the TV show Help! My House Is Haunted may be filming in the village again, local spirits have decided they’re no longer prepared to haunt for free.

‘We want an appearance fee,’ said the notorious White Lady at Saturday’s meeting of the Apparitions, Ghosts and Ghouls Hub (AGGH!) at the function room of The Admiral Wendy.

‘People have been taking advantage so we’ve had to unionise. Being a ghost costs. Austerity’s put at least a quid on the cost of a litre of ectoplasm and there’s been a huge rise in the cost of unliving. So Help! My House Is Haunted can jog on unless there’s a guarantee of at least Equity minimum.

But not for White Sheet Gary, obviously, because we think he was made up by some local author.’

A motion to strike was tabled by a pair of disembodied legs wearing riding trousers and was seconded by Conservative MP Mark Spencer, who may have been at the wrong meeting. AGGH! will give formal notice of strike action next week.

The meeting broke up with a figure in a wide brimmed black hat jumping into a taxi at the bottom of George’s Lane.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

POPULAR CALVERTON PUB GAME Sticky 13’s has been outlawed for health and safety reasons, it has been confirmed.

 

The game, which is basically bingo with playing cards, has been a regular feature at hostelries across the village for generations. But according to health inspectors those cards are ‘sticky’ for a rather unpleasant, and now potentially lethal, reason.

‘They’ve passed through thousands of pairs of hands,’ said Brian Gibbons from the Health and Safety Executive.

‘We’ve looked at cards from the Top Club, Geordie Club and The Admiral Wendy through a microscope. They’re minging. All manner of gunk on them. Bodily fluids, bits of chewing gum, fag ash and what looks to be a genuine hair sample from the rare Tianzhu white yak. How did that get there? It’s indigenous to Tibet.

‘It’s obvious. Playing stickies will expose you to deadly bacteria and may even kill you. Our research says you’re statistically more likely to die from playing stickies three times a week for twenty-one years then you are from necking a pint of Domestos. So stickies are banned, so there.’

The news has been met with utter indifference by pub landlords, most of whom have just bought new playing cards to replace the old ones.

Calverton looks forward to welcoming you soon for a pint, and a lovely game of Slidey 13’s.

 

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

A SHORT-SIGHTED worker at Calverton’s Hand Car Wash has accidentally given a valet to a horse, it has been claimed.

Stella Pipette, a stable owner from somewhere up the posh bit of the village, was trotting past the rundown building that used to be a pub before it became a restaurant which closed and then became another restaurant which also closed astride Merlin, her prize-winning Thoroughbred, when the incident occurred on Wednesday.

 

‘A man in overalls gave a shrill whistle and waved Merlin towards him,’ said a traumatised Stella.

‘Before I could stop the fellow, he’d set about Merlin with soapy water and soft wash mitts. Merlin looked like he was enjoying it to start with, but soon reared up at the first swipe of abrasive sponge on the equine tallywhacker.’

A spokesman for the Hand Car Wash said: ‘You can be sure your horse is being cleaned using only the best quality Autosmart products.

‘While it’s clear that chemicals have seriously affected the eyesight of one of our employees on this occasion, causing him to inappropriately valet a Thoroughbred, we didn’t think it was fair that the employee was trampled for his genuine mistake and we will be seeking legal advice.’

The horse was unable to provide comment, because it’s a horse.

• I live in a village called Calverton in Nottinghamshire. Occasionally, I write completely made-up things about it.

CALVERTON’S ADMIRAL RODNEY has something to tell the world, and he doesn’t care what people think.

‘I’ve always loved dressing up,’ Rodney reveals.

‘At first it was 18th century British navy uniform – there’s this whole thing about me supposedly defeating the French at the Battle of Saintes during the American Revolutionary War in 1782, but I’ve never been anywhere near a ship. I’m a plasterer from Strelley.

‘Anyway, I moved on from that to a Batman costume, then a Mexican bandit, and then one of those 118-118 athletes with the tight shorts and curly hair.

‘But it was only when I was Dame Dumpsy-Dearie in the Burton Joyce village panto that I realised how comfy a frock was and decided to make the lifestyle change. Yes, my mates do have a dig at me. But you get used to the stick – particularly the one I’m sat on all week.’

Admiral Rodney will now be Admiral Rodney from Monday to Friday, and will identify as Admiral Wendy at weekends.

Everards Brewery owns the pub, and is yet to confirm if it will adjust signage.